I Must Find A Professional Wrestler By Friday. My Horoscope Says So.
The Onion made it very clear that I will have a favorite professional wrestler by Friday. (I’m a Leo.) That’s TWO DAYS away! I am panicking because I DON’T KNOW WHAT A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER IS.
Haha. Just kidding. I know what they are. Every child knows this.
But I don’t have a favorite wrestler and it is imperative that I have one by Friday. Because the ONION SAID SO.
A Facebook friend suggested The Rock. Yeah. He’s something. But, well, I know of The Rock and because he hasn’t become my favorite by now, why would he become my favorite by Friday?
So I kept looking. Google Images kept me entertained. I considered this guy because he wears clothes like what my kids wore when they were in middle school:
But that was a decade ago and he hasn’t caught up with the times.
Back again to Google Images. I liked this guy…
…until I realized it was only because I like Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.” Back to Google Images.
It wasn’t until I got to the third page that Google Images suggested a complete 180* (the asterisk is supposed to be a degree sign) and showed me:
So I considered female wrestlers. But, like The Rock, I hadn’t developed a favorite female wrestler by now, so how can I possibly expect to develop one by Friday??? That’s, like, two days away! I guess I can spend the next two days researching and watching YouTube videos and spamming friends with pleas to help me because the ONION SAID I WOULD HAVE A FAVORITE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER by Friday. But I have more important things to do, like take out the trash and leave the apartment and sit on my Rapture Balcony.
Then it hit me like a punch to the solar plexus, like a bash to the left cheekbone (um, mixing metaphors, this isn’t boxing, sorry); like a half nelson, a full nelson, a Willie Nelso…. uh…all those nelson holds. I DO have a favorite professional wrestler. I have loved this guy for years. And I dare anyone challenge me…
…because I’ll wrestle you until you’re blue in the face. “I could kill you now.” Sportsmanlike.
(Originally posted as a Note on my Facebook page.)